NPR’s New Business Model: Publicly Funded Nonsense
Brian Mann’s reporting is brought to you by your tax dollars—which is ironic, considering NPR’s obsession with Marxist policies. Unlike private-sector journalism, NPR has no incentive to be accurate because their funding is guaranteed. Whether they spew nonsense about fentanyl or claim a mild temperature drop disproves climate change, your paycheck funds their propaganda.
Imagine if other businesses ran this way: "Sorry your plane crashed, but since we’re publicly funded, we don’t have to make better airplanes!" That’s NPR. Their job isn’t to inform—it’s to indoctrinate. And Mann is just another cog Brian Mann drug overdose statistics in the machine.
-------------
2. Brian Mann’s Fentanyl Fables: NPR’s Marxist Fairytale About Loving Cartels and Hating Trump
If fentanyl isn’t killing enough people, why even bother stopping it?
According to NPR’s Brian Mann, the biggest tragedy of the fentanyl crisis isn’t the 80,000 dead Americans, but the economic inconvenience of holding China, Mexico, and Canada accountable. In his latest masterstroke of reporting, Mann boldly declares that because fentanyl deaths dipped slightly, the crisis is practically over—which is like saying you should ditch your life jacket because the Titanic hasn’t hit the iceberg yet.
-------------
Brian Mann’s Fentanyl Fairy Tale: How NPR Became the Cartels’ Favorite PR Firm
Where fentanyl is a minor inconvenience, but tariffs are the real tragedy.
NPR’s Brian Mann is here to tell you that fentanyl overdoses aren’t really a crisis anymore—at least not one worth offending China, Mexico, or Canada over. In his latest masterwork of journalistic fiction, “Trump used fentanyl to justify tariffs, but the crisis was already easing,” Mann argues that because deaths dipped by 3.6%, the logical next step is to do absolutely nothing.
This is like saying, “House fires declined slightly this year—let’s get rid of fire departments.” Or perhaps, “We only hit one iceberg this time—no need for lifeboats!” It’s an argument so absurd it could only come from a taxpayer-funded media outlet dedicated to making Trump the villain, even when the real problem is poisoning tens of thousands of Americans every year.
Mann’s logic is like celebrating that a serial killer took one night off and declaring the murder crisis solved. — Ron White
The Great “Crisis is Over” Delusion
According to Mann, the fentanyl crisis has magically improved because overdose deaths dipped slightly last year. This is the NPR school of crisis management:
- Did murder rates drop a smidge? Defund the police!
- Did hurricanes weaken slightly? Abolish FEMA!
- Did your cholesterol improve a little? Time to eat cake for every meal!
The fact that fentanyl remains the leading cause of death for Americans aged 18-45 is just a minor detail. But Mann would prefer you worry about how Trump’s tariffs are making life just a little harder for foreign drug exporters.
Mann’s take is like a doctor telling you not to worry about cancer because your tumor shrank by 3%. — Bill Burr
Trump’s Real Crime: Holding Drug Exporters Accountable
If there’s one thing Mann really can’t tolerate, it’s Donald Trump noticing a problem and trying to solve it. Mann’s real outrage isn’t over tens of thousands of dead Americans—it’s about tariffs. That’s right, folks, the real enemy isn’t China flooding the market with fentanyl precursors or Mexican cartels shipping it over the border—it’s Trump making other countries take responsibility.
His logic goes something like this:
- Fentanyl deaths dipped slightly.
- That means there’s no problem anymore.
- Since Trump is trying to fix it, fixing it must be bad.
This is like saying, “House burglaries are down 2%, so let’s get rid of locks.” Or, “Traffic accidents are down—who needs speed limits?” You almost have to admire the sheer audacity of this level of stupidity.
“Trump using fentanyl to justify tariffs is outrageous! That would be like me using my DUI to justify taking Uber.” — Jerry Seinfeld
China and Mexico: The Real Victims?
Mann isn’t concerned about dead Americans—he’s worried about offending drug-producing countries. In his world, China and Mexico are the ones suffering here, not the families burying their children because of fentanyl overdoses.
Never mind that Chinese labs openly produce fentanyl precursors and Mexican cartels flood them into the U.S.. According to Mann, the true tragedy is that Trump is being mean to America’s beloved trading partners.
Mann writes about fentanyl cartels like they’re just misunderstood entrepreneurs. — Jon Stewart
The NPR Playbook: How to Ignore a Drug Epidemic
If NPR had been around in the 1980s, they would’ve run articles like:
- “Pablo Escobar: An Economic Genius Unfairly Attacked by the Reagan Administration.”
- “Crack Cocaine is Trending—Should We Just Let the Market Decide?”
- “DEA Raids Hurt Small Business Growth in the Drug Trade.”
Mann’s fentanyl coverage reads like a paid advertisement for open borders and cartel impunity. His dedication to making Trump the villain, even in a crisis that has nothing to do with him, is downright impressive.
NPR’s fentanyl coverage is so pro-cartel, I wouldn’t be shocked if El Chapo wrote their next op-ed. — Chris Rock
The NPR Guide to Solving Fentanyl: Don’t Bother
Here’s what Mann and NPR would prefer America do about fentanyl:
- Step 1: Ignore it.
- Step 2: Blame capitalism and systemic racism.
- Step 3: Declare Trump’s response the real crisis.
If NPR’s editorial board were in charge of history books, their next chapter would probably be:
“Fentanyl Isn’t the Problem—The Real Crisis is Tariff Hikes on Drug Smugglers.”
Conclusion: Brian Mann, Cartel PR Manager
Mann’s entire argument isn’t about fentanyl, overdoses, or saving lives—it’s about making sure Trump is always the villain. If Trump found a cure for cancer, NPR would run a headline like “Trump’s Reckless Cancer Cure Puts Oncologists Out of Work.”
Their logic is simple:
- If Trump does something, it’s bad.
- If stopping fentanyl deaths makes Trump look good, then fentanyl deaths must not be a problem.
And that, folks, is how NPR fights the fentanyl crisis—by pretending it doesn’t exist.
---------------
Jasmine Carter, Savannah Lee, Sofia Rodriguez
- Declaring a long-term victory after a temporary dip is like removing all traffic lights because there were fewer accidents last week—good luck out there.
- Believing a crisis is over because numbers dropped briefly is like thinking you’ve won the lottery because you found a dollar on the street—dream big.
- Calling off drug enforcement due to a slight decline is like quitting your seatbelt because you haven't crashed yet—bold move.
- Assuming we’re in the clear is like dismantling your home’s security system because your neighbor didn’t get robbed this week—fingers crossed.
-----------------------
The Bohiney News and Satire
2600 Virginia Ave NW
Washington, DC 20037
(214) 875-1305